Beyond · Lost · In · Alice's · Wonderland

a pelvis

I'm so tired of this..the constant bullshit that comes out of that boy's mouth. Lies, an endless vomit of lies..he himself can't keep track of. I know what I have to do. The process of it all will take so long, I just want to be out. Now. Just yesterday I was thinking about how much I will miss him..of passing him on the street and basically being strangers..our lives having been intertwined for so long and then nothing..but I cant hang on to the bittersweet memories of when our situation was different, fulfilling. It has long evolved into hell on earth. I deserve better. I want better. I want to find "love"..as untrue as that word seems to me. I've never experience this so called love..

People always warn you about growing up too fast, but what about growing up too slow?

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:) This test made me realize alot of things about myself, some of them I already knew..although I'd never openly admitted them..

~I'm a perfectionist with "an overbearing critic that never rests".
~Although I've always been a thrill seeker..I realize I'm slowly losing that characteristic and molding myself into what I think a mother should be.
~All my projects go unfinished because I either get bored or they don't come out as I wanted them..perfection syndrome...so I never accomplish anything.
~I tend to overanalze things until they don't make any sense to me.
~I often live by the "go along to get along creed". This openess to other people can cause me to lose site of myself and my happiness...which is why I say "I've just began to figure out who I am and who I want to be"..I spent so much time doing what other people wanted me to do..thinking it was what I wanted to do, that I lost sight of myself..now that I've spent so much time alone..it's like I've reconnected with "me"..and we're getting to know each other all over again without other people's influences..
well that's not entirely true, this time the influences I've had..have all been positive.
~I'm afraid of taking risks. I'd rather stay comfortable and safe but maybe unhappy, than take a risk at happiness and fail.

Shiny Flowing Soft Hair
Almond shaped Eyes
With Moist Pink Lips
I Wonder
Sometimes I Can't Help Wondering

Round Breasts
And A Blossom
Yet I Can't Helping Wondering
If Maybe I Were To Touch
Kiss Caress Taste
Would It Be The End
To This Impetuous Wonder

Delicate Arms
Long Legs
Wrap Them Around Me
As I Consume Your Lover
I Wonder
Would It Be Right
Would It Be Moral
Yet I Can't Help Wondering
Will My Lips Feel The Same
Against Other Mellifluous Ones

Close Your Legs
I Am A Novice To This Game
But I Wonder Everyday
A Boy's Hands Being Rough
A Soothing Delicate Touch
Wouldn't it Be Better
I Just Can't Help Wondering

A Tenacious Feeling Inside
To Touch Smooth Silky Skin
And Away With The Boy's Hirsute Feel
An Undaunted Kiss Against
Moist Lips
An Endless Wonder

Vacillating Hips With Nowhere
To Meet A Thrust
Convene With This Kiss.

:) My cat came back!..I'm happy! Although I had to smack him with my notebook. He kept attacking me..Here he comes again..I still haven't found a name for him..I can't of anything that I like..and that isn't a corny cat name..

I cleaned my entire house today..I'm proud of myself..it was a hard task to do with a toddler..But I did it..I call her my shadow..Where ever I go she goes..The other day I had to take a shower with her peeking thru the side of the curtain..there was tons of water on the floor when I finished..and then another night, I was taking a shower..yes another shower..and she was sleeping, mind you..it was around 2 in the morning..well, she woke up and didn't see me by her side..(she's always slept with me)..and she went looking for me..nevermind that her dadda was sleeping right beside her, so it wasn't like she was all alone..well, she sat on the bathroom floor and waited for me to get out..so we could fall asleep toghether..awwwww! it's biting my fingers..stupid cat..isn't she precious?? I admit sometimes she drives me crazy, but I'm so in love with her..and she loves me too.

For some reason, lately, I've been attracted to goth girls. I couldn't be any less goth, but for some reason I find them arousing. I discovered this website (www.suicidegirls.com) It's awesome! But..*sign*..I'm one of those few people who don't have a credit card or a checking account so I can't become a member, which really sucks..

My cat stayed out all night. I went out back and called him a couple of times, this morning. But he didn't show. I still don't have a name.

The baby's sleeping next to me...She's so beautiful.